There was a time as a teenager when I was really depressed. I "felt" alone and I was frustrated by how people weren't being their true selves. I described myself as hypersensitive. Really, I just noticed a lot! We were kids doing what our friends did or kids doing things to gain the approval of others. It was a frustrating time in my life. I loved many but carried a great resentment.  I was a people person and I would connect with people in a great way but I was lonely. I knew many yet felt alone. Classic. I wanted love. I never dated anyone in Jr. High or High School. I truly wanted too. I would have loved to have been with someone. Someone that I could really feel a connection and inspiration towards creating amazing moments with. I think I should have dated the said "weird" girls. The ones that wore black because they dared to brave the pressures of society. They didn't care about what others thought about them. It was all about self expression. I get it now. Although they may have been scared like me, their courage (if out of love) would have totally won me over... as it will today. If only "I" had the awareness then. 

I remember my first kiss. Well I remember the first kiss that I enjoyed. My first kiss was with one girl while walking home from

 school. She REALLY liked me (like psycho,,, later to be discovered) and I wasn't attracted to her. I was molested as a child, mostly forgot a lot about it as a protective measure I think, so when it came to women I really was a push over. I hadn't the sense of self worth or perceptive contrast to say "No". At the same time, I really wanted to experience love, so that made it harder for me to say "No".  Sounds a lot worse than it is but I had to find my way with myself and physical contact. It took some time. Oh, and I was a pleaser! I never wanted to upset anyone, so there were my three strikes,,, or four. In the end, I did not want to kiss this girl. Lol

So anyway, we were walking home and she suggested we kiss and kept advancing on the request. It was my first french kiss and I remember being disgusted by feeling her tongue in my mouth. It was GROOOOOSS!!!! I was holding back the puke while she was still in my presence. Lol. We separated afterwards and went our separate ways to walk the rest of the way home. I remember spitting all the way home, I didn't want to swallow ANYTHING. I didn't want to ingest her spit. I brushed my teeth right away when I got home. I brushed like I had eaten a turd. I even kept my backpack on! I could only utter,"That was freakin' nasty". 

As for the second kiss,,, I wish I could find her now. I was in Jr. High and she was a grade above me. I loved her mature demeanor and I willfully entertained her attraction towards me. She was cute,,, nothing special but her demeanor and attitude was oh so attractive. I would have dated her. So anyway, we would passed notes in a class all day in one of the classes we had together. She was hilarious. By mid-year. we were calling each other every now and then. 

Some Thursday, we set up a meeting to meet at the school and kiss each other. It was warmly exciting. The build up was fulfilling. Our relationship in this part of my life was where I felt "Alive" whereas in the other parts of my life I felt alone, hurt and ignored. The conversations and sexual tension between her and I gave me life. It felt great to Feel. The intent of this kiss gave me a chance to step beyond my fears and into a new world feelings and acceptance. I knew it was an opportunity to take a step away from my "physical contact trauma". I was scared but I was ready,,, and I felt safe. 

 Come Saturday, I actually slept through the first "kiss hour". I stood her UP!!! Lmbo. Ooops! I may have subconsciously been seeking an out. Ironically I used a strategy of unconsciousness. I was still kind of depressed at that time (sleep was my escape) and  I think  she was in a time of depression too. We connected on that level, untold of course. We can totally smell our own. Funny how pain brings a connectedness. The connection feels "truly genuine" yet ,,, such a trap. Pain connections are so seductive. I think they could stunt us in our growth and perpetuate stillness though. Anyway, she called and woke me up. With apology, we tried it again that same night. I rode my bike to the Jr. High School and saw her leaning against the wall in the hallway as the sun was going down, waiting.  We chatted a bit and then we decided, "Ok, lets kiss". There was still a little sun light out just before we engaged. Scared, excited and feeling the pressure to perform,,, 

we started slow.  

Her lips were soft. Her tongue was slow, wet and warm. She was so gentle. She ignited me. She lead me throughout the kiss, as I was timid. She guided the depth, the pattern and the pressure. She was so mature and I was experiencing that in one of the most beautiful ways. She was flawlessly in tuned to me.  The intensity remained a gentle one.  The passion was drawn out like kneading warm dough; strong, tactful and with purpose and vision. Can you smell it? That moment was one where "everything" went away: loneliness, insecurity, time and even all my desires. What was happening was absolutely,,,, enough. I was engaged with her. I felt love. I felt like I was good enough, and I felt safe. We separated under a pitch dark sky, standing under the warm amber lights that lined the hallway. Something about us kissing at school made it that much more meaningful. I knew the spot and was granted the pleasure of reflection every time I passed it.  

It was my first kiss of love. I kissed with love and admiration all while being captivated and "growing". Through the insecurity of not knowing what I was doing or if I even had permission from her or from an honored higher level, I found a way to be fully in the moment,,, and kiss true. She was a gift. 

Her name was Sara