30 March 2012

A Midnight Clearing

(Contrast)

  It's 0255 on this Awesome Friday morning. I'm near 9,000 away from home and I feel comfortable to talk to you. You know,,, just talk. :) I'm having the worse time sleeping tonight. My mind is activated as I've been lying in bed with an almost knowing that I will not be hitting R.E.M. any time soon. It was a good day today. It was beautiful in Afghanistan. I am frequently taken back with gratitude by how things have turned out with making this decision to come here. I wanted to be stimulated in new ways. I mean, yea the money is good but on an introspective level this whole move has been an fascinating chance. I've been left with time, space and thought at my effortless disposal. 

  So today (yesterday) seemed to be of a conversational theme of leadership, standing alone and that defining moment of choice of whether or not we will live by our internal nudges or by the flow of the external World. This mood actually begin to be set in motion the day before yesterday. I had a conversation with one of the firefighters about leadership and the internal courage that it takes to be successful at it. He was disturbed by a chow hall rotation within the station and chose a method of disgruntle silence, spreading his mood among those in his proximity, as a method of copping. We spoke about the courage behind the demonstration of verbal expression and the emotional characteristics that it takes. He ultimately swallowed his disgust of the matter and valued the given insight. "So make it a Game"! "So be the CHANCE"!

   

  This set the momentum for yesterday. Ok, here's what happened. I had two conversations today/yesterday, one of standing alone in life and the other a sharing of my personally doing so. Great conversations but here's what truly set it off and gave me something to explore. An Awesome buddy of mine (Paulus) and I engaged in a conversation with two women after dinner. Fun, meeting new people, broadening the network and adding something new to this day to day desert life. But here's the kicker 

that activated me. At some point in time in the conversation one of the women said," Why do you smile so much? It's fake". I have heard this three other times in my life from a context of utter disgust. I frequently hear it within a context of curiosity. I ,again, saw the disbelief/denial of the association between their interpretation of my feelings and my smile. Within all that they are, they can not find a way to see my smile as being genuine.  Now, don't get me wrong, I get it. I'm a pretty abnormally upbeat person, but it reminded me about the choice I made to stand alone and live by my developed view of life. The contrast is recognized immediately by some, as with her of I. In her mind,,, I was "Impossible". 

  Now I have the liberty to chose what I will do with this dynamic. Fun, Fun, Fun. I want to investigate and learn more about her behavior with the contrast. It's time to Play!!! Lol. ok, it's 0244. Till we meet again,,, may the learning begin.  Where do we each fall within the spectrum of human dynamics? How developed are we,,, to even possibly see?