30 March 2012

A Midnight Clearing

(Contrast)

  It's 0255 on this Awesome Friday morning. I'm near 9,000 away from home and I feel comfortable to talk to you. You know,,, just talk. :) I'm having the worse time sleeping tonight. My mind is activated as I've been lying in bed with an almost knowing that I will not be hitting R.E.M. any time soon. It was a good day today. It was beautiful in Afghanistan. I am frequently taken back with gratitude by how things have turned out with making this decision to come here. I wanted to be stimulated in new ways. I mean, yea the money is good but on an introspective level this whole move has been an fascinating chance. I've been left with time, space and thought at my effortless disposal. 

  So today (yesterday) seemed to be of a conversational theme of leadership, standing alone and that defining moment of choice of whether or not we will live by our internal nudges or by the flow of the external World. This mood actually begin to be set in motion the day before yesterday. I had a conversation with one of the firefighters about leadership and the internal courage that it takes to be successful at it. He was disturbed by a chow hall rotation within the station and chose a method of disgruntle silence, spreading his mood among those in his proximity, as a method of copping. We spoke about the courage behind the demonstration of verbal expression and the emotional characteristics that it takes. He ultimately swallowed his disgust of the matter and valued the given insight. "So make it a Game"! "So be the CHANCE"!

   

  This set the momentum for yesterday. Ok, here's what happened. I had two conversations today/yesterday, one of standing alone in life and the other a sharing of my personally doing so. Great conversations but here's what truly set it off and gave me something to explore. An Awesome buddy of mine (Paulus) and I engaged in a conversation with two women after dinner. Fun, meeting new people, broadening the network and adding something new to this day to day desert life. But here's the kicker 

that activated me. At some point in time in the conversation one of the women said," Why do you smile so much? It's fake". I have heard this three other times in my life from a context of utter disgust. I frequently hear it within a context of curiosity. I ,again, saw the disbelief/denial of the association between their interpretation of my feelings and my smile. Within all that they are, they can not find a way to see my smile as being genuine.  Now, don't get me wrong, I get it. I'm a pretty abnormally upbeat person, but it reminded me about the choice I made to stand alone and live by my developed view of life. The contrast is recognized immediately by some, as with her of I. In her mind,,, I was "Impossible". 

  Now I have the liberty to chose what I will do with this dynamic. Fun, Fun, Fun. I want to investigate and learn more about her behavior with the contrast. It's time to Play!!! Lol. ok, it's 0244. Till we meet again,,, may the learning begin.  Where do we each fall within the spectrum of human dynamics? How developed are we,,, to even possibly see? 

  

There was a time as a teenager when I was really depressed. I "felt" alone and I was frustrated by how people weren't being their true selves. I described myself as hypersensitive. Really, I just noticed a lot! We were kids doing what our friends did or kids doing things to gain the approval of others. It was a frustrating time in my life. I loved many but carried a great resentment.  I was a people person and I would connect with people in a great way but I was lonely. I knew many yet felt alone. Classic. I wanted love. I never dated anyone in Jr. High or High School. I truly wanted too. I would have loved to have been with someone. Someone that I could really feel a connection and inspiration towards creating amazing moments with. I think I should have dated the said "weird" girls. The ones that wore black because they dared to brave the pressures of society. They didn't care about what others thought about them. It was all about self expression. I get it now. Although they may have been scared like me, their courage (if out of love) would have totally won me over... as it will today. If only "I" had the awareness then. 

I remember my first kiss. Well I remember the first kiss that I enjoyed. My first kiss was with one girl while walking home from

 school. She REALLY liked me (like psycho,,, later to be discovered) and I wasn't attracted to her. I was molested as a child, mostly forgot a lot about it as a protective measure I think, so when it came to women I really was a push over. I hadn't the sense of self worth or perceptive contrast to say "No". At the same time, I really wanted to experience love, so that made it harder for me to say "No".  Sounds a lot worse than it is but I had to find my way with myself and physical contact. It took some time. Oh, and I was a pleaser! I never wanted to upset anyone, so there were my three strikes,,, or four. In the end, I did not want to kiss this girl. Lol

So anyway, we were walking home and she suggested we kiss and kept advancing on the request. It was my first french kiss and I remember being disgusted by feeling her tongue in my mouth. It was GROOOOOSS!!!! I was holding back the puke while she was still in my presence. Lol. We separated afterwards and went our separate ways to walk the rest of the way home. I remember spitting all the way home, I didn't want to swallow ANYTHING. I didn't want to ingest her spit. I brushed my teeth right away when I got home. I brushed like I had eaten a turd. I even kept my backpack on! I could only utter,"That was freakin' nasty". 

As for the second kiss,,, I wish I could find her now. I was in Jr. High and she was a grade above me. I loved her mature demeanor and I willfully entertained her attraction towards me. She was cute,,, nothing special but her demeanor and attitude was oh so attractive. I would have dated her. So anyway, we would passed notes in a class all day in one of the classes we had together. She was hilarious. By mid-year. we were calling each other every now and then. 

Some Thursday, we set up a meeting to meet at the school and kiss each other. It was warmly exciting. The build up was fulfilling. Our relationship in this part of my life was where I felt "Alive" whereas in the other parts of my life I felt alone, hurt and ignored. The conversations and sexual tension between her and I gave me life. It felt great to Feel. The intent of this kiss gave me a chance to step beyond my fears and into a new world feelings and acceptance. I knew it was an opportunity to take a step away from my "physical contact trauma". I was scared but I was ready,,, and I felt safe. 

 Come Saturday, I actually slept through the first "kiss hour". I stood her UP!!! Lmbo. Ooops! I may have subconsciously been seeking an out. Ironically I used a strategy of unconsciousness. I was still kind of depressed at that time (sleep was my escape) and  I think  she was in a time of depression too. We connected on that level, untold of course. We can totally smell our own. Funny how pain brings a connectedness. The connection feels "truly genuine" yet ,,, such a trap. Pain connections are so seductive. I think they could stunt us in our growth and perpetuate stillness though. Anyway, she called and woke me up. With apology, we tried it again that same night. I rode my bike to the Jr. High School and saw her leaning against the wall in the hallway as the sun was going down, waiting.  We chatted a bit and then we decided, "Ok, lets kiss". There was still a little sun light out just before we engaged. Scared, excited and feeling the pressure to perform,,, 

we started slow.  

Her lips were soft. Her tongue was slow, wet and warm. She was so gentle. She ignited me. She lead me throughout the kiss, as I was timid. She guided the depth, the pattern and the pressure. She was so mature and I was experiencing that in one of the most beautiful ways. She was flawlessly in tuned to me.  The intensity remained a gentle one.  The passion was drawn out like kneading warm dough; strong, tactful and with purpose and vision. Can you smell it? That moment was one where "everything" went away: loneliness, insecurity, time and even all my desires. What was happening was absolutely,,,, enough. I was engaged with her. I felt love. I felt like I was good enough, and I felt safe. We separated under a pitch dark sky, standing under the warm amber lights that lined the hallway. Something about us kissing at school made it that much more meaningful. I knew the spot and was granted the pleasure of reflection every time I passed it.  

It was my first kiss of love. I kissed with love and admiration all while being captivated and "growing". Through the insecurity of not knowing what I was doing or if I even had permission from her or from an honored higher level, I found a way to be fully in the moment,,, and kiss true. She was a gift. 

Her name was Sara

I surrendered the beauty of Florida, Family and Friends...
a gesture beyond fear. 

I let it all go for the possibility of ALL of my dreams. The experience of leaving everything behind was somewhat therapeutic. Extraordinary people participate in extraordinary practices. I left my way of life, friends, family, home, car, motorcycle, personal belongings and job. In the idea of being an undeniable demonstration, there is no way around demonstrating the character to do such a thing. A life in two duffle bags,,, Awesome!!! 

You know, it is a new life. If I had to describe my feelings I would have to say that I am excited and very optimistic. There's so much "room" in my life now. I love the relationship that I created with people and things in Florida. I would always say that I know myself to be a "The world is my home" type of person. I feel strong in these early stages. 

So let's be honest, there are many things that are happening now. There's a traditional "missing" that my friends and family have. But I notice, and admire, that life goes on,,, nothing stops.   They are truly great people and understand the gift and chance that I have with this move. I wonder if the day will come when we will  love each other without a dependency of  proximity. I think we are really close.  The few who "jump" in this early stage of reinvention of relationships aren't granted an escape from the pressures that may come. There could be quilt, resentment, confusion, denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance from both ends. I love the stimulants that are involved with departure,,, letting go. 

I do imagine that the world will become our home. I imagine that we will have a perception of love that is truly not dependent of proximity but satisfying on an underlying and soulful language. I think we all have a sense of this "love language". It's only the time of acclimation that separates us. This is where the "I know, I know's" and "Good for you's" come in to play when an explanation of departure is given. So I guess what I'm saying is that I imagine the day when this sense, this love language, will truly be "enough". It's often that we are still grapple with the truth and ways of love. The sense of loss keeps coming around when someone leaves. I like that idea. Maybe we never really "lose" anything in life. We may live with a loyalty to people and physical touch or a loyalty to attributes and experiences? Both have their respected values. I think we  are of the brink of having a major psychological shift in how we relate to love. We are already doing so well. 

And then there are those who are ignited by such acts by others. The inspiration travels at light speed. The potential immediately feels limitless! Where could we go if we continued the momentum with intensity. I imagine a life of being ignited by everyone around me. I'd have to expect "motion" to be Everywhere. People coming in, people going out. Drastic but harmonic and welcomed change. I envision scrolling through my cell phone contacts and having it completely filled with ignition sources. I "never mind" the passing thought that it would be too much to bare or that there is an inevitable emotional cap of how much we can take. Why must we avoid the flow of love and inspiration? Would a "pure" cut of love kill us? Movement is necessary for greatness I feel.  I hold an idea that we (humans) may have become addicted to resistance. That without resistance we lose our perception of all advancements. We lose the clarity of who we are, what we are doing or where we belong.  This ties with the conversation "If there is no Hate could we feel Love"? I dare to challenge the natural logic and see what becomes of us once we get there. lol Why Not? I'm ready to unmask the silliness of the once known universal law.




 Is resistance really necessary? Could we call it drama? In some cases yes, but in others,,, I wonder.  What shape do You "know" the world to be? There may have once been another common knowledge or common law. There surely was within those who came before us. All that the conversation suggest to me is that the area of absolute Love is "Untapped".  What's wrong with a new contrast? Sure we may not yet know what the new contrast to love will be. There's nothing wrong about being called to adjust to a new unknown, I'd say. I see adventure.  I "could" see how it could be scary as hell! How ironic. Maybe such projected fear is all that there is to bare. The fear within ourselves? Maybe without man,,, there is no fear. Maybe without life there is no fear, yet we know that things will keep going on. We know that whatever is happening in the universe will not stop happening.  It will keep going. Without fear we simply move from this to,,, it. Whatever "it" is.  

Something suggest that in order to live,,, we have to be willing to die. That's quite a leap. So what do we mean by "die"? With an idea of current life being dependent upon fear (life leaves=fear leaves. without life=no fear. (Think of the happening of the universe), could we imagine what we would be left with if we drastically reduced or eliminated our fear? What's the next step? Can fear be transformed?

Who would dare to take "their" one life and move towards discovering a life without fear? What would it take of a person? The irony is that the first step may be confronting ALL of our current fears. "Hit it head on", I say. Perception is a powerful tool to eliminate fear. Create, learn or discover a Bigger picture that makes the gain far outweigh the loss. It's ok to start sounding nuts with this. What do you think? We "know" that we have a brilliant mind. We've been saying it for decades,  but we accept that we have yet to experienced it,,, in this life,,, in our lives. Being not seduced by the glimpses of brilliance to say that "we have". So what does it take?!! I mean to really walk and predominantly  live in a state of brilliance (Love) in our everyday lives. No fear and powerful motion is a good start I think. 

 There's clear alignment with even the recognition that life is a Choice. 

We can reinvent some perceptual development criteria, can't we? Heck yea we can!  What's the basis of our perceptions? Imposed fears from those in our past? Rather than basing our perceptions on fearful survival, we can create a new basis for contrast and assessment, leading to a greater perception. With our Imagination, we can create 

"A Bigger Picture". 

First step would be to find our way out the survival mindset, no?  Easier said than done? No kidding. But definitely doable, can we see that? What do you think? What a game to play. I find it inevitable to look and sound like a weirdo at times playing such a game but can you imagine the possible discoveries? All it takes is one to dare to discover. No worries about the world watching. They will surely follow suit when gold has been struck.

 I'd say that the reward is greatly disproportionate to the risk of simply looking or sounding weird for a little while. And with the contrast being the "same ole, same ole", what do we really have to lose? I like to consider that the new and even the undiscovered 

discoveries will one day be common knowledge. The choice to play such a game  as  a pioneer would totally be a personal call. It may very well be too painful to get "the looks" from others. Some people thought I was CarAeZaY to leave my job in Florida. Ultimately I had an overwhelming 100% support from my family and friends. Now, that's freakin Awesome!!! People with a labeled handicap get weird looks all throughout their lives. They show us that we can bare it already. Courage is called upon for "Us" to bring the discomfort upon ourselves for the sake of "New Life", New Love, New Places, New People, New Opportunities and so on and so on. :) 

I'm IN!!!! 

What do You say? 

L.C. Johnson II 

I love you all. 

Share your thoughts...I'd love hear your comments.  

Life in Afghanistan,,,Create!!!

It's been nearly a month since I landed a new job, a new life and in very new place. Sept 2011, I remember exploring the option of redirecting my life, opening possibilities and identifying a clear pathway to do so. It was an amazing practice to leave every thing behind. Creating a life within two duffle bags.  There was sadness matched with an invigorating optimism. Hidden in every sadness is a warm appeal. Life can be funny like that. I've always wanted to become an Amaxing human being. A part of me would openly say that, "I want to be a Superhero", an idea captured during a childlike "Dream Theater" (a routinely practiced unbounded free-write of visions, dreams and possibilities).

               " I want to go where no man has gone before. 

I want to feel what no man has ever felt before. 

And I want to love like no one has ever loved before."

 Superhuman! So, what's the game in becoming "Superhuman" aka. a  Superhero? We must discover, create and/or learn a way to become beyond (natural) human? 

So what can we stand on,,,?

Foundation: 
 What the heck do I know?  I don't know what "Superhuman" is but I was effortlessly born, simply a human. A man of basic instincts and natural impulses. A man of 5 senses. A man that desires Love. A man that may Fight or Take Flight. These are the things I DID know of myself. On some level, I knew this was all that I would ever need to know to begin the journey towards becoming a Superhero; one who loves, protects, inspires, and appropriately rescues. I want to be one who would "Dare to Live" beyond the social norms or even common imaginations. I chose to grow beyond the limits of my natural self by way of humiliating, and at times disgusting, self honesty. I developed a new baseline of emotional and social comfort. A baseline that lives on the edge of my emotional and intellectual development. It didn't take long for the adrenaline to kick in, as the "edges" are the ones of extreme fear or extreme love. Both are a rush so there is a "HIGH" to be had. Yet only one serves the greater good. Who would dare to be a "Pioneer"?

                original song lyric: "I pray you take my soul to gates. 

As long as I may go,,, a Hero. 

                                          It's true we'll see another day.

But this past one was so, so, cold.

,,,and how you feel,

is who I am

Is how you feel"

 I started aggressively challenging the social interactive cliches in life by Jr. High (@ age 12). Mostly through explorative conversation. Talk about enlightening,,,. You know,,, I really just turned off the autopilot. "How are you"? respns: "Fine" to "I feel like everyone is scared to be themselves". Conversation went a little different after that one. 


 I shook things up a bit with my explorative and playful responses, or lack there of, just to see what was available. "Break the CHAIN"!!! 

 It was hard to stand alone and it took a great amount of humility to be so honest for no reason or without traditional warrant. "You were suppose to just say fine. Come on play along, I'm stuck now".  I did feel the pull to "just play along" with the cliche-ish way of life and conversation, but the results were DEAD. And I felt dead, well through feelings of frustration, loneliness and emptiness.


 I imagine that the girl that wore black, buckle weighted clothes and heavy mascara had to find some way to get over these pressures as well, of course in her own way. What ever floats our boats. For their choosing to begin down the  unavoidable path of growth,,, I always respected the outcast. Envy? Nah, we'll say "respected". I envy that they found an effective internal outlet. I was struggling to find mine, seriously. Honestly, I felt that the "weirdos"  were on to something. Something HUGE!!! Something REALLY HUGE in the matter of progressing down the path of Superheroines and heros.  They were stumbling across something that I would declare to be a necessary path of development for anyone who is to become a (whisper) "Superhero". It isn't easy to be "All that we are",,, especially around others. I'd say the goal would be to ultimately be able to stand naked in front of a massive crowd, hands held high and staring into their eyes. Wouldn't that be something. 


 Habitually abiding by the social patterns may lead us to even forget who we are. But I thought the weirdos were pretty cool and I was definitely attracted to their courage and will. As they were undeniable demonstrations of courage and will, I admit, I first noticed that their clothes were simply different than mine though. Nothing wrong with that. The question was, and is always, "Is it out of fear or love"? And to what degree I'd add. No wrong answer here, only self honesty I'd say. 


 It's amazing how big the snowball gets when we "Dare to Live" towards love. Ironically there's a cliche in the relation to fear vs. love.  Love is slower to develop but last forever whereas products of Fear comes and goes in a heartbeat.  
*Responsibility:Love vs. Ignorance (ignore/ avoid):Fear.
*Hard (must be created):Love vs. Easy (basic instincts):Fear. 
*Abundant:Love vs. Few:Fear. 
*Tense:Fear vs. Effortless:Love. 
*Loss:Fear vs. Found:Love. 
*Empty:Fear vs. Fulfilled: Love, yada, yada, yada. Its a crass way to view it but you got me. It totally works though. 


 Here I am in Afghanistan. A man of love in a place of 'Fight'. Where there's irony, there's a proof of the Supernatural to be discovered. May life be the journey of uncovering the hidden, riddled and protected path of enlightenment. There's only heaven for anyone who becomes in alignment with what's to be discovered. May we Feel Love before we are Gone. 

What a RIDE!!!! Here we go!!! lol
I love you all.


L.C. Johnson II


(Share your thoughts... comments welcomed. )